How I met my match

Babies cant swim, and they cant dance, but don’t let that lull you into a false sense of security.  They are smart...

So busy have I been making plans about how to maintain control once Esme is walking, talking, answering back, and so on, that it altogether slipped my attention that I have already lost it.

Pre-Esme, if you had asked me what sort of mental faculties were required to outsmart a sane adult human being (like me),  my response would have made reference to
a) the ability to understand language,
b) the possession of some sort of concepts, and
c) the ability to engage in reasoning. 

(So for instance, say that child X wanted to develop a means of resisting parent Y's sleep-encouraging gestures.  In order to develop a realiable method to ensure that they were never put to bed in the day time - say - they would need  (at the very least) to have the concept ‘being put to bed’ (which arguably requires some linguistic competence). They would also need to understand the simple argument ‘If I cry I wont be put to bed, I don’t want to be put to bed, therefore I will cry’.)

 I now know that no such mental faculties are required. 

Esme cannot yet talk (hardly surprising as she is only 9 months) and Im as good as certain that she lacks the ability to engage in abstract reasoning. (We are pretty much on top of bum-shuffling, but inferences and deductions are not yet in our repertoire.)  However she definitely knows how to outsmart me.... Much to my dismay,  mid-day naps are now a thing of the past.

Babies operate according to simple principles of conditioning.  Rewarded behaviour is repeated. When put to bed, Esme cries. I take her out of bed, she rewards me by ceasing to scream. I am conditioned. Next time she cries, I repeat in search of my reward. A vicious cycle.  That is all that is required to get the better of me.  PHD or no PHD I am no better than the dogs and monkeys - I cant resist a reward. And this reward is more valuable than you might imagine. ..

I have spent the last 26 years learning how to conduct myself in public in such a way as to avoid provoking anger, hostility, resentment, blame and so on. It has taken that long. But I now have it down to a fine art. I am pleased to say that even the subtler rules of etiquette now feature in my personal code of conduct. Not only do I refrain from eating on public transport, I also know to walk at a reasonable speed in the ‘walking aisle’ of escalator traffic, and so on. The learning process was - as it is for everyone – a hard and gruelling task. But one that was worthwhile in light of the payoff- the chance to live in virtual anonymity. Bliss.  But for the females among us this bliss is short-lived. Anonymity is hard to maintain - on a train say, or in a cafe – when there is a distinct smell of poo coming from your general vicinity. Top this off with a small human strapped to your front - one who is busy screaming in the faces of those around you, and -like it or not - the limelight is yours.  Babies are not concerned with blending in. Keeping a low profile is not among their lists of priorities. Yes they are cute, and chubby and yummm... but they are not discreet. 

Not being one to enjoy the spot-light, I will jump on any chance I have of restoring peace. I would do practically anything. Whether it is lifting Es out of the buggy, sugary cakes, a dummy,  – she wants it she gets it. Its that simple. The reward is too tempting. I just cant resist.

I live in hope that I will one day learn  if not to appreciate then atleast to ignore  the attention of strangers. I live in hope that one day control will again be mine ....